X-posted from Faceybook.

Everybody's done it, but what the hell.

Dear Walgreens customer,

I'm the guy who is sometimes behind the counter when you come in to try and scam us out of money or just piss us off. You may not realize this, but that money is used to fund the employees who work tirelessly to make your shopping experience a pleasant one. You are alienating the people whose job it is to stock shelves with whatever stupid item you need or ring you up for your purchase or clean up after you leave a massive sticky steamer in our toilets.

I don't ask for much, just a few things:

1. When I ask you about our promotional item of the month, it is not funny when you say, 'DARN I WISH YOU HADN'T ASKED HAHAHA.' In fact, it is downright obnoxious. It is easily the stupidest part of our job, and not a single one of us likes it. We don't find it particularly clever when you say, 'HA HA I WISH YOU WERE TERRIBLE AT YOUR JOB SO I COULD GET SOMETHING I DON'T REALLY WANT FOR FREE!'

2. When you walk past the photo lab or drop off film, you are not entitled to a free item because I 'didn't ask you about it.' That sign is clearly meant for when you are being rung up. Why should I ask you to buy something if you're not already making a purchase? Are you dense or just cheap? You really want a pack of M&Ms? BUY IT. IT'S LESS THAN A DOLLAR. Don't try to scam me.

3. Little old ladies, I know it's hard to adapt to the changing times, but you do NOT have to tell me the price of every single item you found on a shelf. That strip of black lines on the item will tell me how much it is. I have SUPER MAGICAL LASER EYES and I can read them. I do not need to be informed that the item in your hand costs $1.29, I just need to scan it and put it in your bag so I can get you the hell out of my face and ring up the next person.

4. Check writers, really? What fucking century is this? I'll tell you, it's the TWENTY-FUCKING-FIRST. Get a debit card. It comes out of the same place and it goes about A GOOGOL TIMES FASTER than when you scrawl on a piece of paper. Get with the times. And yes, my hand below the counter IS flipping you off.

5. CHECK WRITERS, REALLY? Do you not know where you are or what day it is? Are you completely unable to fill out the basics of a check before I have finished ringing up your order? Can you not sign your name? OH YOU DID NOT JUST START BALANCING YOUR CHECKBOOK BEFORE EVEN STARTING THE CHECK. Still flipping you off under the counter.

6. For the love of all that is holy, check writers, REALLY?! You bought less than $10 worth of useless shit and you paid with a wrinkly check and when it won't run through the check processing machine, you're IN A FUCKING HURRY? You're WRITING CHECKS while you're IN A HURRY? Nice cursive, asshole.

7. I know you want to get rid of that change rattling around your wallet. But there are people behind you who just want to pay for their energy drink/newspaper/greeting card and get on with their day. I may be stuck at the Greens, but they don't have to be. This magic machine next to me counts out change and spits it into a little black container that you can retrieve it from. Save the coins for the parking meters and your laundry. I have people to ring up. And you're getting flipped off.

8. Oh joy, you're the last person in line, so that means you can take as much time as you like? GOODIE FOR YOU. HOWEVER I have other things I need to get done, like facing the gondola or stocking cigarettes or taking care of a register code or TAKE A BREATH. But no, you take your time because there's 'nobody behind you'. Nobody except my patience.

9. So your child wants to buy his own toy. Kudos to him! But could you maybe teach the whelp how to count money before you let him loose in the store? There is a line and these people are anxious to get their shit and go.

10. WOMEN. I have precious little patience for the act of re-assembling the puzzle you call your purse. I have even less patience for it when you don't even move over so the person behind you can start their transaction, thus HOLDING UP THE LINE again. I suppose the world will continue to be imperfect until gender-specific checkout lines are implemented and men can just whip their cash out of their back pocket, pay and get on with their lives.

11. This is my job, not my career. Do not expect me to know what is on sale and what has a coupon applicable to it at 8 AM Sunday. I do not take the flier home and study it. I don't get an advance copy to look at. Chances are that if I didn't work Saturday night when ad tags are changed, I don't know what's what. If I do flip through the ad, it's looking for shit that interests me like deals on Arizona tea or Spam. I fuckin' love Spam, especially the kind with bacon.

12. THIS IS NOT A GROCERY STORE. This is a pharmacy/convenience store on steroids. Don't come in here and load two carts full of shit and expect service with a smile. I don't have a dedicated bagger like a grocery store, I have to ring you up and bag everything simultaneously. The smaller your order the less I will hate you.

13. The receipt may be difficult for a layman to read, but I can decipher the code. Bring it to me and I will explain everything and your ass can stop hanging out between the register and the door.

14. Hey, guess what, after working the register for a week, I've figured out which items trigger Register Rewards coupons. That means when you bring back an item which netted you a coupon, WE KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO SCAM US. So don't get all indignant when we don't reimburse you the full price of those sixteen bottles of shampoo you purchase in eight different transactions unless you bring back the coupons. Those coupons are like cash with an expiration date, and we have ZERO problem with you forgetting to use them before they expire.

15. For fuck's sake, bathe once a week at least. And if you can't do that, don't loiter at the register after you've been helped. There is not much worse than being trapped at a register for several hours on end and a guy smelling of vodka, Basic cigarettes and BO chillin'. But your dreadlocks ARE pretty cool. Oh, and don't shit in the aisles. Somebody (me) has to clean it up.

16. I'm at the register, trying to ring people up. If you bring up the wrong item for your 2 for $5 deal, it's your fault, not mine. Do not expect me to walk across the store and pick out the correct item to satisfy the special price. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY as a consumer to make educated choices before you approach the checkout. Nowhere in my job description does it say I have to traverse the store to hunt down the original flavor Folger's instant coffee because you picked up the wrong one which was CLEARLY MARKED. Saying, 'WELL GET ME THAT ONE!' while pointing your knobby index finger firmly against a piece of newspaper is not endearing or persuasive.

17. Little dumbshit kid, I do not enjoy watching you prowl up and down the junk food aisle for AN HOUR before finally deciding on a two litre of Pepsi and a 99 cent bag of Doritos. Use your allowance on something that will last you more than five minutes, like Pokemon cards.

18. Little dumbshit kid, when you enter the door, you are under constant surveillance. There are security cameras and the staff knows what you're up to. You're being followed. That blue-shirted person who seems to have some business in the two adjoining aisles is watching you. Don't steal the Pokemon cards. Didn't your parents teach you a goddamn thing?

19. Hey there mister smoker! I could care less what you put in your body, but if you have even the slightest doubt in the world that you're going to get carded, bring your fucking ID. I may have MAGIC BAR CODE EYES but I do not have age-o-vision. I do not like having to wait while you run back out to your car to get your ID. Keep it in your wallet, in your pocket, at all times.

20. I don't care how far you have to drive to get here or how badly your kid needs a locker shelf, I am only authorized to hold items for you until the store closes. Do not bitch at me when I need to contact a manager to get permission to hold it for you until the next day.

To summarize:

I don't want to be at Walgreens, and you are making my day worse. Stop being a fuckhead and maybe we'll get along. I don't get paid nearly enough, and you are not helping.

Thank you, come again.